{"id":22908,"date":"2022-12-01T15:17:19","date_gmt":"2022-12-01T13:17:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/?p=22908"},"modified":"2025-05-16T17:27:42","modified_gmt":"2025-05-16T15:27:42","slug":"communicate-with-avoidant-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/communicate-with-avoidant-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"<strong>How to Communicate With an Avoidant Partner<\/strong>"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>You\u2019ve noticed your partner hasn\u2019t been themselves lately, but when you try to ask them how they\u2019re doing they shut you down. Maybe they seem to have no interest in solving relationship problems, or every attempt at resolution ends in time apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If this sounds familiar, your partner may have an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/avoidant-attachment-style\/\">avoidant attachment style<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>People with avoidant attachment styles manage conflict and difficult feelings by distancing themselves physically and emotionally.<\/strong> If you have another <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/four-attachment-styles\/\">attachment style<\/a>, this can be really confusing and sometimes upsetting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>They don\u2019t mean to make you feel this way &#8211; <strong>our attachment styles develop in infancy<\/strong> in response to the way our caregivers looked after us. Attachment styles are survival strategies, and an avoidant attachment occurs when an infant\u2019s needs are consistently unmet. To manage their unmet needs, avoidant children learn to ignore them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Children with avoidant attachment styles become hyper-independent, and this pattern can continue into adulthood. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/avoidant-attachment-relationships\/\">Adults with avoidant attachments<\/a> can therefore be distrusting of others, afraid of intimacy, and find it difficult to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/early-maladaptive-schemas\/emotional-inhibition\/\">express their emotions<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Communicating with an Avoidant Partner<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>As a result of an avoidant partner\u2019s actions, many people wonder <strong>how to love an avoidant partner<\/strong> in a way that matches their partner\u2019s needs. <strong>Loving someone with an avoidant attachment isn\u2019t the hard part<\/strong>, but knowing what to say to an avoidant partner can be a challenge when you don\u2019t understand their point of view.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This is where we at <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\">The Attachment Project<\/a><\/em> can help. Building upon your awareness of how avoidant attachment presents in romantic relationships, as well as the effects of different communication styles, can <strong>help you and your avoidant partner to feel safe<\/strong> and more connected within your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1832\" src=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner.png\" alt=\"10 Tips for Communicating With an Avoidant Partner\" class=\"wp-image-39236\" style=\"width:600px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner.png 1024w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-168x300.png 168w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-572x1024.png 572w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-768x1374.png 768w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-859x1536.png 859w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-838x1500.png 838w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-559x1000.png 559w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-800x1431.png 800w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-419x750.png 419w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-617x1104.png 617w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-600x1073.png 600w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-150x268.png 150w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1000x1789.png 1000w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-279x500.png 279w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-400x716.png 400w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-247x442.png 247w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-61x110.png 61w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019re wondering <strong>how to communicate with an avoidant partner<\/strong>, we\u2019ll cover the following information in this article:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>How do people with avoidant attachment styles communicate?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>What do people with avoidant attachment styles do in relationships?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>How can I communicate effectively with an avoidant partner?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Avoidant Partner: Communication Style &amp; Behaviors<\/h2>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"567\" height=\"416\" src=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-815-2.png\" alt=\"Avoidant Partner: Communication Style &amp; Behaviors\" class=\"wp-image-22939\" style=\"width:444px;height:324px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-815-2.png 567w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-815-2-300x220.png 300w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-815-2-150x110.png 150w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-815-2-500x367.png 500w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-815-2-110x81.png 110w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 567px) 100vw, 567px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p><strong>Someone with an avoidant attachment style<\/strong> may struggle to let their walls down in a romantic relationship. It might feel like they\u2019re keeping you at arm\u2019s length, preventing intimacy and emotional closeness. This keeps them in their comfort zone, but it creates relationships that feel \u201csurface level\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In situations where they feel threatened, such as during an argument, disagreement, or misunderstanding, someone with an avoidant attachment style may be more likely to use behaviors that create distance between themselves and their partner. This might look like walking out of the room or shutting down the conversation. Behaviors like this are sometimes called \u201c<strong>deactivating coping strategies<\/strong>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Deactivating coping strategies could help an avoidant individual to suppress their emotions, making them less susceptible to uncomfortable feelings like pain, anxiety, and distress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Understanding Their Defensive Behaviors<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When an avoidant partner emotionally &#8220;shuts down&#8221; like this, a behavior known as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/love\/stonewalling-relationships-attachment\/\">stonewalling<\/a>, they may seem cold and uncaring to their romantic partner. But try to remember that these actions are how they\u2019ve learned to cope \u2013 it\u2019s not that they don\u2019t care. They\u2019ve just been taught from an early age to protect themselves by shutting down their emotional system.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In stressful situations, avoidantly-attached individuals may also become defensive, refuse to talk about the problem, and avoid physical contact. They may show black and white thinking &#8211; a cognitive distortion that stops people from being able to understand nuance or grey-areas. This can lead them to believe that you\u2019re labelling them the source of the problem, even if this isn\u2019t your true perspective or intention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When wondering <strong>how to help someone with avoidant attachment<\/strong>, recognize that it might not always be easy, especially during moments of conflict. However, effective communication is possible when you understand how your attachment styles interact and what you both need to enable a productive conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Remember, <strong>you are a team<\/strong> &#8211; it\u2019s important for both of you to recognize the roles of your own attachment styles on your communication and make the effort to learn and adapt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">10 Tips on How to Communicate With Someone With Avoidant Attachment<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Communicating effectively in any relationship can be challenging, especially if you don\u2019t understand your partner\u2019s attachment style. With understanding, patience, and support, you and your partner can work with each other\u2019s attachment styles to deepen your connection and emotional intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The following are 10 useful and evidence-based tips on how to talk to an avoidant partner:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>#1. Soften Your Communication<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to a <a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/buy\/2013-13780-001\">2013 study<\/a><sup><a id=\"cite1\" href=\"#ref1\">1<\/a><\/sup>, people who use &#8220;soft&#8221; communication during relationship conflicts have a calming effect on their avoidant partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Soft communication can be verbal or non-verbal, and generally involves 2 major principles: communication that is sensitive to the needs of the avoidant partner, and that reminds the partner that they are valued.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The researchers included the following in their definition of soft communication:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Downplaying negative mood or severity of the problem<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Acknowledging your avoidant partner\u2019s past efforts<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Highlighting the positives<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Validating your partner\u2019s emotions and perspective<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Holding back on negative reactions<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Using humor to minimize harshness<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Showing care, acceptance, and positive regard for your partner<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Treating the problem with an optimistic outlook<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1238\" src=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1.webp\" alt=\"Elements of Soft Communication\" class=\"wp-image-39238\" style=\"width:600px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1.webp 1024w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-248x300.webp 248w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-847x1024.webp 847w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-768x929.webp 768w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-827x1000.webp 827w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-800x967.webp 800w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-620x750.webp 620w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-617x746.webp 617w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-600x725.webp 600w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-150x181.webp 150w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-1000x1209.webp 1000w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-414x500.webp 414w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-400x484.webp 400w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-247x299.webp 247w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/10-Tips-for-Communicating-With-an-Avoidant-Partner-1-91x110.webp 91w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>This communication style affirms to your partner that the conflict isn\u2019t a threat to your relationship. It reminds them that you will be there for them even when you\u2019re facing challenges and avoids <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/avoidant-attachment-triggers\/\">triggering anger and avoidance<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>&nbsp;#2. Avoid Guilt-Tripping<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When emotions are high, it\u2019s easy to fall into negative communication patterns. When frustrated, we might overemphasize expressions of hurt or the negative impact of someone else\u2019s behavior, or seek reassurance that our partners still love and care for us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This kind of communication usually serves to induce feelings of guilt, even if we\u2019re not consciously aware that this is the goal. Sometimes this does help us to reach a resolution in the long run, but it usually escalates conflict in the short term and can be especially triggering for people with avoidant attachments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Researchers call these strategies \u201cnegative-indirect\u201d communication: negative because they aren\u2019t supportive of constructive problem-solving, and indirect because they don\u2019t address the real problem. People with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/anxious-attachment\/\">anxious attachments<\/a> can be particularly prone to resorting to this kind of communication strategy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People with avoidant attachments can find <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/early-maladaptive-schemas\/dependence\/\">dependence<\/a>, control, and obligation suffocating. So, negative-indirect communication often results in anger and a push for independence from the avoidant partner, making it much more difficult to resolve the initial conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>3. Focus on Yourself<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>To communicate with anyone, but especially in conflict with an avoidant partner, it\u2019s important to look after your own emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When dealing with conflict with an avoidant partner, or any kind of frustration, it\u2019s natural to express how you feel through crying, shouting, or displays of anxiety. In this way, we might communicate to our partner that we are struggling to manage our emotions and need support. While this might be a natural reaction in anxiety-provoking situations, it could trigger an avoidant partner\u2019s attachment traits.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As we\u2019ve mentioned, independence is usually very important for someone with an avoidant attachment style. So, when someone communicates \u201cI need emotional support\u201d to an avoidant attacher, this could trigger their fear of dependence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you learn to catch your emotions before displaying a strong emotional response, you can avoid spiralling into this push-and-pull conflict. This is called emotional- or self-regulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To practice <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/emotional-regulation\/\">emotional regulation<\/a>, first practice noticing and naming how you feel. Mindfulness practice has been shown to help with this, by helping you to pay attention to the present<sup><a href=\"#ref3\" id=\"cite3\">3<\/a><\/sup>. You can find lots of great mindfulness resources online.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you\u2019re able to notice your feelings, it becomes easier to override the impulse to have a strong reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>#4. Assume Positive Intent<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When your partner emotionally withdraws or \u201cshuts down\u201d in conflictual or stressful situations, it can be challenging to remember that they aren\u2019t doing so maliciously. You may fall into the pattern of thinking, <em>\u201cthey don\u2019t care,\u201d \u201cthey never let me in,\u201d or \u201cthey\u2019re pushing me away.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In these moments, it\u2019s important to remember that these avoidant behaviors may have kept your partner safe from emotional pain when they were young. These actions might be the only coping strategy they currently have to manage their complex emotions, and in their mind, using it is helping to preserve their relationship with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Reminding yourself that your partner\u2019s intentions are good despite how their actions make you feel makes it far easier to communicate with empathy, understanding, and patience.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>#5. Active Listening<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"596\" height=\"627\" src=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Frame-584.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-22934\" style=\"width:415px;height:437px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Frame-584.png 596w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Frame-584-285x300.png 285w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Frame-584-143x150.png 143w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Frame-584-475x500.png 475w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Frame-584-105x110.png 105w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 596px) 100vw, 596px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>Due to their early relationship dynamics, someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel like they can\u2019t depend on others and that their problems and feelings don\u2019t matter. <strong>You can provide a safe space for an avoidant person by making extra effort to listen to them when they open up.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can do this by practicing \u201cactive listening\u201d. Active listening involves giving direct eye contact, positioning your body to face your partner, nodding when appropriate, and asking non-judgmental follow-up questions. This shows that you\u2019re genuinely interested in what they\u2019re saying, and that they\u2019ll be safe to open up again in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/boundaries-and-attachment-styles\/\">Setting boundaries<\/a> can also make people with an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/blog\/insecure-attachment-in-childhood\/\">insecure attachment style<\/a> feel safe. Boundaries make relationships predictable, which increases feelings of security. You may agree upon boundaries relating to:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/love\/affective-touch\/\">Physical touch and affection<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Communicating when you\u2019re both calm<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Giving each other personal space when necessary<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Voicing issues in the moment<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Taking ownership of your own emotions<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>#6. Ask For What You Need and Be Specific<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Effective communication can bring about positive change in romantic relationships. However, to do this, we need to steer clear of criticism. Criticism can feel like a personal attack to anyone, but it can be especially triggering for someone with an avoidant attachment style.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Asking for what you need can sometimes come off as critical. This may activate avoidant attachment traits, which could result in your partner withdrawing, resisting, or disengaging from the conversation. Therefore, the problem becomes harder to solve and positive behavior change is less likely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Understanding your partner\u2019s perspective and reframing the problem is key to communicating an issue without coming off as critical. Using \u201cI\u201d statements to show your understanding has been found to help resolve conflict &#8211; this is called objective \u201cI\u201d statements<sup><a href=\"#ref4\" id=\"cite4\">4<\/a><\/sup>. Subjective \u201cI\u201d statements, which are used to describe how you feel about a situation, can be less successful, even though this is how they are traditionally thought to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Many people believe that subjective \u201cI\u201d statements reduce the impact of criticism by taking the heat off of your partner, but studies have found that partners may deflect these statements to avoid the conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, objective \u201cI\u201d statements show that you understand your partner\u2019s perspective while communicating the impact their actions have on you. The best communication strategy is often putting the two types of \u201cI\u201d statement together: show your understanding, then explain your feeling<sup><a href=\"#ref5\" id=\"cite5\">5<\/a><\/sup>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The following examples are alternatives to criticizing, subjective \u201cI\u201d statements alone, and objective \u201cI\u201d statements with subjective \u201cI\u201d statements:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table is-style-regular\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Criticizing Statements<\/strong><\/td><td><strong>Subjective \u201cI\u201d Statements<\/strong><\/td><td><strong>Objective \u201cI\u201d Statements with subjective \u201cI\u201d statements<\/strong><\/td><\/tr><tr><td>You never tidy up after yourself.<\/td><td>I feel annoyed when I come home to a messy house.<\/td><td>I know you\u2019ve got a lot on your plate, but I feel annoyed when I come home to a messy house.<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>You never want to spend time with me.&nbsp;<\/td><td>I feel lonely when I don\u2019t see you much in the week.<\/td><td>I know you\u2019re busy, but I feel lonely when I don\u2019t see you much during the week.<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>You don\u2019t show me affection.<\/td><td>I get confused and upset when you aren\u2019t affectionate with me.&nbsp;<\/td><td>I understand that you\u2019re not instinctively affectionate, but I feel confused and upset when you aren\u2019t affectionate with me.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\">#7. Understand Your Attachment Styles<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>When thinking about how to talk to an avoidant partner, it\u2019s vital that we understand both of our attachment styles as they can affect relationship dynamics in particular ways.<sup><a href=\"#ref6\" id=\"cite6\">6<\/a><\/sup><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, the anxious and avoidant attachment styles are prone to certain patterns within relationships. Typically, anxious attachment manifests as a fear of a romantic partner pulling away, so someone with this attachment style may seek emotional reassurance from their loved one. Yet, as we know, such behaviors may trigger an avoidant attacher\u2019s fear of dependence, which could make them emotionally withdraw.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This interplay of attachment behaviors could worsen the situation, making the couple less likely to constructively resolve a problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you would like to know how your attachment style may be influencing your relationship, you can <a href=\"https:\/\/quiz.attachmentproject.com\/\">take the free attachment styles quiz on our website<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>#8. Respect Their Boundaries<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Partners with an avoidant attachment style often need time alone, especially during arguments. If they communicate that they need to be alone, it can be tempting to push for connection &#8211; but remember that this is not likely to have the effect you\u2019re hoping for.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1024\" height=\"1092\" src=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle.webp\" alt=\"The avoidant response cycle\" class=\"wp-image-39239\" style=\"width:600px;height:auto\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle.webp 1024w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-281x300.webp 281w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-960x1024.webp 960w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-768x819.webp 768w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-938x1000.webp 938w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-800x853.webp 800w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-703x750.webp 703w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-617x658.webp 617w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-600x640.webp 600w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-150x160.webp 150w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-1000x1066.webp 1000w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-469x500.webp 469w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-400x427.webp 400w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-247x263.webp 247w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/12\/The-Avoidant-Response-Cycle-103x110.webp 103w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>Respect their boundaries and remember that boundaries are healthy. They\u2019ll come back to resolve the argument when they\u2019re ready, and space will give you both time to understand what you need to move forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>#9. Try Replacing Emotional Support With Practical Support<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Evidence shows that someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel more calm when their partner gives practical support, rather than emotional support<sup><a href=\"#ref7\" id=\"cite7\">7<\/a><\/sup>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Emotional support, like using intimacy and relaxation to regulate emotions, doesn\u2019t seem to help avoidant partners during conflict. On the other hand, problem-focused support, like helping each other to re-evaluate the situation and come up with practical solutions, can protect avoidant partners against negative experiences of the conflict.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This aligns with the avoidant partner\u2019s need for autonomy and avoids triggering their fears of intimacy and dependence during a disagreement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color has-background\"><strong>#10. Be Patient<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>While an avoidant partner\u2019s behaviors during an argument may make you upset or angry, it\u2019s important to practice patience whenever a conflict situation arises.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We develop our attachment patterns for a reason. As we mentioned, at one point in our lives, these behaviors helped us to survive and formed the basis of how we understand the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It is possible to change our attachment style, but it doesn\u2019t happen in the blink of an eye. It takes time, patience, and determination from both of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Practicing patience will repeatedly reinforce a sense of safety and security<\/strong>, giving your partner the time to relearn the way they see relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Final Thoughts on Communicating With an Avoidant Partner<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-full is-resized\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"510\" height=\"486\" src=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-814-1.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-22940\" style=\"width:317px;height:301px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-814-1.png 510w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-814-1-300x286.png 300w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-814-1-150x143.png 150w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-814-1-500x476.png 500w, https:\/\/www.attachmentproject.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Group-814-1-110x105.png 110w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 510px) 100vw, 510px\" \/><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p>Romantic relationships can be challenging for anyone, especially when one or both partners have experienced difficulty in early relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Someone with an avoidant attachment style may struggle to let their walls down and connect emotionally with their partner. Stressful situations may trigger their avoidant attachment behaviors, potentially leading to withdrawal, emotion suppression, and defensiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This can seem to their partners like they have a lack of interest in the problem or the relationship, but it\u2019s really a sign that they care about your connection and they\u2019re doing what they can to preserve it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>These instincts may have kept them safe when they were young, but they\u2019re usually not very helpful in adult relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What Your Partner Can Do<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>You and your partner are a team &#8211; our 10 tips for communicating with an avoidant partner might help you to manage conflicts on your side, but it\u2019s best if both of you are on the same page.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your partner can play their part by learning more about their attachment style and how it interacts with yours. During conflicts, they should remember to communicate their need for space before their instincts kick in and try to reassure you that they still care &#8211; particularly if you have an anxious attachment style.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The <strong>bottom line of communicating with your avoidant partner<\/strong> is to put yourself in their shoes: understand that their behaviors, like yours, aren\u2019t intended to hurt, and that they hope to preserve the relationship by acting the way they do. Give them space during tense discussions, and take the time apart to consider what you can suggest to solve the problem practically. When the problem is resolved and you both feel like you\u2019re in a safe space, you may be able to reintroduce emotional support and intimacy in your communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">FAQs on How to Help an Avoidant Partner<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How can I encourage an avoidant partner to open up?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Your avoidant partner is triggered by emotional pressure and won\u2019t react well to feeling pushed to open up before they\u2019re ready. Helping them to feel secure through consistent actions, words of validation, and acting as a stable, trustworthy base can help them to open up in time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What\u2019s the best way to support someone with avoidant attachment?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>If you\u2019re thinking about how to help an avoidant partner, one of the best steps you can take is to understand why and how their actions and beliefs in relationships are triggered. Understanding them helps you to realize what they need and be okay with giving them space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">What to say to an avoidant partner?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Remember that pushing a person with an avoidant attachment to open up or encroaching on their boundaries may push them away further. Instead, try saying:<br><br>\u201cI\u2019m here for you when you\u2019re ready to talk.\u201d<br>\u201cIt\u2019s OK to feel this way. I understand because I\u2019ve also felt this way in the past. If you want to talk about it, you know where I am.<br><br>Even though everyone is unique, phrases such as these can help an avoidant partner to feel validated, or, in other words, seen, heard, and supported.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-align-center\">References<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<ol>\n        <li id=\"ref1\">Overall, N. C., Simpson, J. A., &#038; Struthers, H. (2013). Buffering attachment-related avoidance: softening emotional and behavioral defenses during conflict discussions. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology<\/em>, 104(5), 854.<\/li>\n        <li id=\"ref2\">Jayamaha, S. D., Antonellis, C., &#038; Overall, N. C. (2016). Attachment insecurity and inducing guilt to produce desired change in romantic partners. <em>Personal Relationships<\/em>, 23(2), 311-38.<\/li>\n        <li id=\"ref3\">Chiesa, A., Serretti, A., &#038; Jakobsen, J. C. (2013). Mindfulness: Top\u2013down or bottom\u2013up emotion regulation strategy?. <em>Clinical Psychology Review<\/em>, 33(1), 82-96.<\/li>\n        <li id=\"ref4\">Korobov, N. (2020). Failure of I-statements for mitigating interpersonal conflict in arguments between young adult couples. <em>Studies in Media and Communication<\/em>, 8(2), 49-60.<\/li>\n        <li id=\"ref5\">Rogers, S. L., Howieson, J., &#038; Neame, C. (2018). I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: The benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. <em>PeerJ<\/em>, 6, e4831.<\/li>\n        <li id=\"ref6\">Gonz\u00e1lez-Ortega, E., Orgaz-Baz, B., Vicario-Molina, I., &#038; Fuertes-Mart\u00edn, A. (2020). Adult attachment style combination, conflict resolution and relationship quality among young-adult couples. <em>Terapia Psicol\u00f3gica<\/em>, 38(3), 303-16.<\/li>\n        <li id=\"ref7\">Vedelago, L., Balzarini, R. N., Fitzpatrick, S., &#038; Muise, A. (2023). Tailoring dyadic coping strategies to attachment style: Emotion-focused and problem-focused dyadic coping differentially buffer anxiously and avoidantly attached partners. <em>Journal of Social and Personal Relationships<\/em>, 40(6), 1830-53.<\/li>\n    <\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Avoidant attachment can cause a breakdown in communication. These tips can help strengthen the bond in your relationship with an avoidant partner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":22936,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,118,14],"tags":[32,73,119,21],"class_list":["post-22908","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-attachment-theory","category-communication","category-relationship-advice","tag-attachment","tag-attachment-styles","tag-communication","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>How to Communicate and Deal With an Avoidant Partner - AP<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Avoidant partners often withdraw from intimacy. 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